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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22558012">Some Kind of Madness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soronya/pseuds/Soronya'>Soronya</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Band of Brothers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bastogne, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Foxhole, Happy Ending, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Pining, Post-War, Post-war letters, Reunions, Sharing a foxhole, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Yearning, at least kind of, most important: don't drink and drive kids!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 17:56:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,079</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22558012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soronya/pseuds/Soronya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lew knows he shouldn't read the letters Dick has sent him over the past month over and over again, but he can't help himself. Sitting in his office and feeling miserable, he misses Dick more than anything.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lewis Nixon/Richard Winters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Serverversary (say that 5 times fast)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Some Kind of Madness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahlu/gifts">sarahlu</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/reedyas/gifts">reedyas</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written for the Crackhead Company’s Serverversary writing challenge. I had prompt No. 8 and decided to write for the following pairing and these requests:</p><p>winnix, <strike>baberoe, luztoye </strike><br/>post war letters, <strike>crossdressing</strike>, there’s only one foxhole (omg there’s only one foxhole)</p><p>A huge thank you goes out to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahlu">Sarah</a>, for beta-reading this! You are the best ♥ This work is for you and the secret prompt writer, who turns out to be <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/reedyas">Lex!</a> Thank you for this prompt!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em> 13. June 1947 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Lew sat at his desk and sighed heavily, reading the paragraph for what felt like the hundredth time and still not understanding what it was about. Absentmindedly, he reached for the whisky tumbler which stood to his left without looking, his eyes still locked on the paper. </p><p>The crystal glass was heavy in his hand and Lew put it greedily to his lips, tipping his head back, only to find it was empty. He growled, a strange feeling of anger swelling inside of him. This whole situation annoyed him to bits and Nix threw the paper onto the desk, slumping back into his chair.</p><p>Dust danced in the fading sunlight that fell through the dirty windows into the room and Lew tried to follow one particle with his eyes. The air in his expensively equipped bureau was sticky and foggy from all the cigarette smoke, but he didn’t bother to open the window. It was loud outside and the smoulder from the factories was worse than the smell that lingered in the room. </p><p>His father had given him a nice, presentable office at his company, Nixon Nitrations. It was almost too pretentious for his own taste, but Lew hadn’t complained. How could he, when everyone tried to give him anything they thought he needed to feel comfortable again. Truth was, there was nothing they could’ve done to make him feel like he wasn't out of place.</p><p>Lew’s old man had given him a good position at the factory, telling him he’d settle in in no time. He also never got tired of telling him to do his best and to work hard and to work long, so Lew would be able to take over as soon as he was too old to run it himself.</p><p>Nix had problems fitting in at the company even before he enlisted himself and was shipped off to Europe, but now he felt like it was almost impossible to ever belong here, no matter what everyone else kept saying. He didn’t exactly miss the war, but he missed the solidarity, the structure of the army, but most importantly, he missed being understood.</p><p>Lew ran his hand over his face, feeling the stubble that had grown, and he remembered he hadn’t minded to shave for three days. Dick would’ve definitely made a witty remark about it.</p><p>Dick.</p><p>Fuck. He tried so hard not to think about Dick and to forget about what had happened in Bastogne, but he couldn’t. Every now and then thoughts about Dick creeped into his mind and there was nothing he could do.</p><p>Desperately, he reached for the cabinet in his desk and unlocked the door, reaching for a new bottle of his beloved Vat 69. Lew opened it greedily and didn’t even bother to fill the whisky into the tumbler this time. Drinking straight from the bottle, he couldn’t prevent his mind from wandering back to the fateful day in Bastogne.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> 3. January 1945 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, I hate this weather so much,” Lew cursed and rubbed his hands to warm his fingers. It was useless, but he tried to talk himself into believing it would at least keep his fingers from getting frostbite. </p><p>Dick sat closely beside him in the foxhole and gave him an ironic smile. “What, not fond of a little snow?” he asked, his hands buried deep in his pockets. His face was pale except for his red nose and the dark circles beneath his eyes. You could see he was as tired and exhausted as almost everyone else was, since it was hard to sleep in the cold and with the fear of being hit by a mortar bomb every second.</p><p>It had been just this morning when they were surprised by an attack from the Germans again, during the blue hour before sunrise. Two men were badly wounded but luckily Roe said they both would make it, though if they could keep all their limbs was a whole other story.</p><p>During the shelling, Nix had found cover in a foxhole with Lipton and they both just hoped they wouldn’t get hit. Only seconds before he’d walked through the camp to make sure everyone was alright and didn’t need anything, before he’d wanted to go back to Dick to tell him his men were doing okay. When someone had screamed “<em>incoming </em>”, Nix had thrown himself into the nearest foxhole, where Lipton had already found cover.</p><p>Lew had heard men calling for a medic, while the sky had been lightened by bursts and the trees around them had exploded into splinters, and he’d felt so utterly helpless. He had kept thinking about Dick, where he was, if he was unharmed, and it had almost driven him crazy. He’d pulled his canteen out of his pocket, taking a big sip of whisky to calm his mind. It hadn’t given him the relief he had been hoping for.</p><p>Long moments, that had felt like hours, after the darkness had become silent again and the attack had stopped, Lew and Lipton crawled out of the foxhole to see how bad it was and if they could be of any help. </p><p>He’d looked around, seeing broken trees and holes in the ground, and his heart started to race. Fuck, <em> fuck</em>, where was Dick? Was he okay? Millions of thoughts ran through his head in that second and Nix winced when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he spun around. It had been Dick’s hand, who’s face had been full of sorrow and he’d looked as worried as Lew had felt.</p><p>“Nix, thank God you’re alive. Your foxhole has been blown and I couldn’t find you anywhere”, Dick had said, a relieved smile forming on his lips and Lew had immediately thanked God he wasn’t dead. It had taken a load off Lew’s mind to see Dick standing in front of him, unharmed.</p><p>They had stared at each other for a little bit too long and a little bit too intensely, but Lew had only realised it once Dick cleared his throat and said: “Come on, let’s see if we can help anybody.”</p><p>Lew stayed close to him and when Dick went to his foxhole at the end of the day, Lew followed him as a matter of course without thinking. They settled close to each other and pulled the tarp over their heads, hoping the day would end without other casualties. </p><p>“I fucking hate the snow. The cold. I hate having to hold out for weeks in this fucking cold without proper clothing and nothing to eat”, Nix said disgruntledly and started to blow his warm breath into his palms. “And you can’t tell me you’re having the time of your life. I see you shaking like a leaf during your morning washes, Dick.”</p><p>“I do miss a hot bath and a roof over my head from time to time”, Dick admitted, reaching for the dirty blanket that laid beside him and spread it over the both of them. “And sometimes even <em> army noodles with ketchup</em>.”</p><p>Nix grinned involuntarily at that, since Perconte’s remark about the spaghetti at Toccoa had become popular among the men. The camp had had its negative sides, which were mostly Sobel and his unpredictable ways to torture them, but at least there had been showers and regular warm meals and actual beds.</p><p>Lew leaned closer to Dick, feeling the body heat radiating through his clothes and starting to warm them slowly. His heartbeat involuntarily quickened a bit because of their closeness and he tried not to think too much about them sharing not only a foxhole, but also a blanket.</p><p>Dick was a man you could only like. Equipped with a heart of gold and a sharp mind, he was always determined to make things right and able to make the correct decisions, he was the leader and friend everyone wished for. </p><p>Lew had felt drawn to Dick from the beginning and their friendship deepened, although he wondered how he even deserved it at times. While Dick was a golden boy with coppery hair and beautiful blue eyes, Lew sometimes felt like the complete opposite - inside and outside. He sinned a lot, by drinking, smoking and laying with both men and women during his time at college.</p><p>But Dick never judged him for his chain smoking and his alcoholic behaviour. He even let him hide his beloved Vat 69 in his footlocker without saying a word about it. Someday, he’d become a better human, only for Dick, to make up for all of his actions.</p><p>During their time spent together at Toccoa, Lew’s feelings for Dick had somehow and involuntarily shifted, or maybe it was just that he’d finally admitted that he didn’t only want it to be a platonic relationship, after all.</p><p>Dick was incredibly attractive and he didn’t even seem to know it himself, while Lew wanted to run his fingers through his soft hair so badly, caress his cheeks and, most of all, wanted to kiss his full lips.</p><p>But these were no appropriate thoughts he should have while sitting this close beside his friend, who had luckily no idea about Lew’s feelings for him.</p><p>The ground was cold, although Dick had spread a tarp on the bottom to keep the dampness from seeping through. He could have wished for so many things right now, but actually he was just so relieved he hadn’t lost Dick this day. He was a constant Lew couldn’t imagine not being there and his presence felt so natural, as if he belonged at his side.</p><p>“I’m glad you’re alive”, Lew said into the silence and his voice felt unsteady. “When I didn’t see you immediately after the bombing was over this morning, I had the worst ideas.”</p><p>“You were the first one I looked for”, Dick confessed, turning his head to avert Nix’s gaze, as if he was ashamed. “I should have asked Doc who was injured, who to help, but… I had to find you, Lew. I had to make sure you were alright.”</p><p>“We’re going to get out of here alive”, Nix said, trying to sound certain. He wasn’t sure he succeeded. “I still wanna show you Chicago.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> 13. June 1947 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Lew sighed, taking another huge swig of his whiskey before opening the desk drawer. It was locked, as always, and he had to rummage his pockets for the little key that he always kept close to his body. The drawer contained a big notebook, some blank paper and some pens, but Nix looked for something buried beneath all that.</p><p>The envelopes were a little battered, but they were still intact and dutifully protected their content. Some of them were framed with the typical red and blue colours that indicated they were sent by airmail, others were only plain white. Nix liked every single one of them, no matter what. Every envelope had his name and address on it in Dick’s neat handwriting.</p><p>Nix opened one random letter and felt his heart ache immediately, even before he started reading it once again. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dear Lewis, </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I hope you’re still enjoying your life back in the States and your work at your family’s company is to your liking. How was the transit back to America? Hopefully you had it a little more comfortable than when we had it on our way to Europe. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> There’s still so much to do here in Germany, mostly organisational tasks and a lot of paperwork. I am not even sure if anybody is going to ever read all of my reports and sometimes writing them costs me more nerves than the time at the war front ever had.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It is funny how we simply functioned, like machines, when we had to. Now, sometimes I find it hard to concentrate and my mind keeps wandering to bring me memories I sometimes wish to forget. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hopefully, they won’t need me here much longer, as I really wish to leave this continent as soon as possible. The aftermath of the war lingers in every corner and I want to see my home instead of all this destruction more than anything.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> See you soon, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dick </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Lew sighed, folding the letter back together and putting it back into the envelope. He had asked himself so many times how Dick could keep up appearances so well, while Nix himself couldn’t think straight whenever Dick was on his mind.</p><p>Another swig from the bottle and Lew ran his hand through his hair. Why was everything concerning Dick so complicated when it all used to be that easy? Why did it have to change?</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> 3. January 1945 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It had become night and Lew laid back to back with Dick, a blanket covering the both of them, but it was still freezing as fuck. The moonlight was shimmering through the gaps between the ground and the tarp, bathing the foxhole in a soft silvery light.</p><p>Dick had shifted restlessly in his sleep, a sign he was having bad dreams, and Lew had reached out for him.</p><p>“Dick? Dick, it’s alright. Wake up, will you? It’s just a dream,” he mumbled, still drowsy with sleep. He himself wondered how he could sleep this deep and well during these times, but he tried not to question it too much. At least, this was something he could be grateful for.</p><p>Dick took a deep breath and his body stilled, waking up out of his nightmare. </p><p>“I’m sorry I woke you up,” Dick apologised and turned to lie on his back. Lew noticed how he tried to steady his breathing and how hard it was for him to relax again. It made Lew’s heart ache to see Dick like this. He’d always have his things together, always knew how to decide and never cursed or drank to soothe his mind. Now, in the darkness, the demons of the war haunted him as well and he didn’t deserve it at all.</p><p>“Hey, don’t be sorry”, Lew said, also shifting his weight to lie on his back. “It’s not your fault. Come and try to catch some sleep, okay? It’s still the middle of the night.”</p><p>“Yeah”, Dick breathed and Lew knew immediately that he would not find any rest tonight. Without thinking, he turned around, facing Dick, and laid his hand onto his shoulder. Suddenly, being this close to him, Lew realised once again how attractive Dick’s features were and how handsome he was.</p><p>This is not the time for that, he scolded himself, putting his hand on Dick’s shoulder.</p><p>“Dick, breath out. You need some rest. It’s of no help if you fall asleep during the day.”</p><p>Dick sighed wholeheartedly, running his hand over his face and messing with his hair absentmindedly. His features looked even paler in the dim moonlight, his eyes lacking their typical shine.</p><p>Lew felt helpless, he wanted to give Dick some comfort, some reassurance. Maybe it was the comfort of the darkness that made him feel bold or maybe he was still too tired to think about the consequences, but he lifted his hand to lay it carefully onto Dick’s cheek, caressing it warily with his thumb.</p><p>Dick went rigid under the touch and Lew saw he was staring at him wide-eyed, but before he could withdraw his hand, he felt rough fingers touching his thumb, keeping him in place. Lew froze. He didn’t expect Dick would hold his hand and suddenly he felt uncertain about what to do next, not so sure about his actions anymore. However, Dick exhaled audibly and relaxed, which soothed Lew’s racing mind. The fear of having done something wrong dissolved, leaving Lew with a bubbling feeling of excitement.</p><p>Dick’s palm radiated warmth and Lew’s heart skipped a beat, he couldn’t keep himself from smiling. It felt too good to have him so close, to receive the affection he had craved for so long and Lew moved closer, burying his face in the crook of Dick’s neck.</p><p>They laid there for a few silent minutes, listening to each other’s breaths, before Dick shifted and turned onto his side to face Lew. Their bodies were close now and Lew could feel Dick’s warm breath on his skin and a shiver ran through his body.</p><p>Dick carefully lifted his hand and Lew wanted to protest, already missing the warmth, but when he felt fingers fondling at his neck, he sighed happily instead. Lew’s heart was beating hard and fast in his chest when he met Dick’s gaze and his breath caught. Dick’s lips were slightly open and his eyes full of anticipation, but Lew also might have seen a hint of nervousness in them.</p><p>Lew wanted nothing more than to close the few inches that still separated their faces from each other and to discover how Dick’s lips would feel on his own. But at the same time he knew that when he kissed him, nothing would ever be the same. He would never be able to forget it, never be able to bottle his feelings for Dick back up and pretend he was just a dear friend of his.</p><p>So he waited, and for a few minutes nothing but the soft sounds of their breathing filled the air, until Dick took a deep breath. He bowed his head a little and rested his forehead against Lew’s, sighing deeply.</p><p>“I wish I could always hold you like this”, Dick whispered, his breath hot on Lew’s face. “I wish you’d be always this close to me.”</p><p>Lew didn’t expect these honest, brave words from him, but they filled him with ineffable delight. This was all the affirmation he needed, the confirmation that Dick felt the same as he did, that he didn’t need to be scared of rejection. He knew what was following would change everything, but he couldn’t deny himself his deepest desires any longer.</p><p>“Dick”, Lew said hoarsely, when the hand in his neck tried to pull him even closer. “Can I… May I kiss you?”</p><p>“God, yes”, Dick breathed and Lew didn’t even have time to adjust before he felt cool but surprisingly soft lips on his own. He moaned softly in surprise, not being able to suppress it, and moved even closer to Dick. They had to entangle their legs to lie comfortably this way, but their bodies fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.</p><p>Lew moved his mouth against Dick’s, careful and uncertain, but the kiss lingered and they clung to each other, losing themselves in it. Dick’s hand at Lew’s neck tightened as the kiss deepened and the insecurity faded slowly, both of them becoming bolder and more eager. </p><p>Dick tasted good, Lew noticed, a little bit like coffee and foreign spices and if he had it his way, he would never stop kissing him ever again. Lew moaned softly, when Dick sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and any further thought he might’ve had vanished into thin air.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> 13. June 1947 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Lew opened another envelope although he knew it was genuinely a bad idea. He should really stop pining over Dick, since he was the one who had ended things in the first place. It might not have been a pleasant decision, but it surely had been for the best - especially for Dick.</p><p>Lew had loved kissing Dick and he wanted to repeat it so badly. Yet, he had decided rather to push Dick away than to risk anything. Stolen kisses and secret relationships had never come to a good end and the thing he wanted least was for Dick to be accused of sodomy. He didn't care about himself, but if anything bad would've happened to Dick because of him, he'd never be able to forgive himself. If he could protect Dick from one thing, he had to do it. No matter what the price was.</p><p>The morning after they had spent their night entangled together and kissing heavily in Dick’s foxhole, Lew had told him it’d be for the better if they didn’t repeat it. Saying it out loud had almost broken his own heart and he had to force the words to pass his lips.</p><p>Dick had looked at him with big, blue eyes and Lew immediately had a lump in his throat. Deep down he had known those words would hurt Dick, but Lew hadn’t expected to see the chagrin so visible on his face. It had made it hard for Lew to breath. Instead of a response, Dick had just nodded and had mumbled something inaudibly, before vanishing into the woods to look after his men.</p><p>Lew had watched him leaving, a bitter taste on his tongue and his heart aching. He had taken a mouthful of his Vat 69 out of his canteen to cover that taste, but it didn’t help much. With the feeling of having made a huge mistake, Lew had started to dig himself his own foxhole.</p><p>The memories of that day were still so vivid to Lew, so painful, that he had crumpled the letter in his hand without noticing. He shook his head about his careless behaviour, then smoothened the paper and started reading.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dear Lewis, </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A week ago I finally arrived back in the States and I’ve never been more grateful to see my home country again. The crossing was exhausting but not half as bad as I remembered being on a ship was. Maybe it had to do with the fact I had my own cabin and thus a lot more privacy. Therefore, it was lonely. Not many men talk freely to a Major and lower their voices whenever one is around. Maybe I also wasn’t the best company during the days, who can even say. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I wondered a lot about how life would be back in the states, back with my family. Now, one week after arriving home, I realise it’s not like anything I imagined it to be. I was hoping to find peace and a new routine, but I get worried looks and well-meant words that don’t help at all. I love my family, but it’s complicated to live amongst people who have never seen anything of the war but my uniform. It’s not like I miss Europe or the war, but I miss having people around to whom I don’t have to explain myself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I keep wondering whether you read my letters or not, but I’ll keep writing anyway. At least, this way I have the feeling of being able to talk to a dear friend of mine, who I haven’t seen for too long. I hope you’ll answer me one day. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Kind regards </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dick </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Lew lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply, but the lump in his throat didn’t go away. He was shivering, his whole body shaking with rage and anger and disappointment and loneliness. </p><p>The whole <em> good Samaritan </em>shit, he’d tried to persuade himself this was, wasn’t something he could pull through. The only reason he had told Dick they should not lie like this again, should not kiss again, was to protect him. Lew never wanted Dick to be a sinner, to be accused of sodomy, to have to justify his actions. Dick had a pure soul and Lew didn’t want to be the one responsible for corrupting it. </p><p>At least, that was what he told himself. The truth was: He’d been a total wuss and with every day that passed it got harder to reach out for Dick to tell him what he really felt - that the kiss wasn’t, and had never been, just a simple gesture exchanged between two lonely soldiers in a foxhole, but indeed had been a deep and honest desire that Lew craved to repeat with every breath he took. </p><p>But even if he hadn’t pushed Dick away - what should they have done? Even if Dick liked him the way Lew wished for, there was no perspective for them. A relationship between two men was illegal and so there was not really a chance for them to ever get lucky. The whole dilemma had maddened Lew, especially since he was back to the USA and he sat in his office the whole day, staring out of the window, wondering what could have been.</p><p>Their friendship had suffered after Lew had told Dick they should stay away from each other. There had been a distance ever since that fateful day that had never been there before and Lew hated every second he had to bear it. Although they both had tried to act as natural as possible, which Dick had done way much better than Lew, the lightheartedness had been missing since then.</p><p>When he left Europe about a month earlier than Dick and they had said their goodbyes, they had not even hugged and Lew had trouble breathing when he thought of it. The worst part about it was that it had been Lew’s fault. It had been his idea to act like the kiss had never happened. It had been his idea to keep the distance. Not Dick’s. And as much as Lew tried to tell himself Dick wasn’t suffering from this, he knew deep down that was a lie. He had made a decision that hurt Dick and he tried to convince himself it had been the right one afterwards.</p><p>What would have been if he hadn’t denied himself and Dick their intimacy? What would have Dick done? What would have been if he had let him have a choice, a say in a matter that concerned him, too?</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Lew ran his hand over his face before inhaling another deep draw of his cigarette. He couldn’t go on like this or he might go mad in the near future. The guilt was eating him from the inside and his heart ached with all the pain he’d tried to keep under tight wraps.</p><p>He should have done so many things differently. He shouldn’t have pushed Dick away. And he definitely should do something before it was too late. Dick had tried to reach out more than once and Lew had never answered even one of his letters. He never knew what to write and he was sure his words would never be enough of an apology.</p><p>Hell, maybe Lew would never be forgiven, but at least Dick deserved to hear how sorry he was for never answering, for never reaching out, for never being the friend he’d promised he would be. And maybe Lew should also tell him that his feelings for Dick had never faded and that he still wanted to kiss him again, so badly.</p><p>Lew stubbed out his cigarette butt, suddenly certain and confident in what to do next. He looked at his watch, it was ten past five, and before he could reconsider his decision, he stood up and headed for the door. With so many thoughts on his mind, it was gonna be a long drive to Pennsylvania. A long drive and a lot of time to question his choice.</p><p>He walked home the few blocks to his house in a hurry, and quickly packed a few shirts and trousers into a duffle bag - just in case. Who knows what he could expect that evening. </p><p>When he locked the front door, his bag shouldered, he was nervous with anticipation and envisioned the worst case scenarios that were probably going to happen. There was not a single good reason why Dick would and should accept his apology. It was likely he had moved on already, not wanting him in the way Lew wanted Dick after all the time. Good god, he had been a coward for so long. He had tried to persuade himself he only did it to protect Dick that he had almost started to believe it. </p><p>But it had been complete and utter bullshit. The only reason was and had been for the whole time that Lew was a fucking chickenshit - and he was gonna make up for it.</p><p>The new Ford Sedan Lew had bought for himself just recently was a joy to drive. He had rolled the windows down, to savour the feeling of the warm summer breeze and the sound of the purring engine. The familiarity of it had made it possible for him to relax a bit and when he hit the highway, he finally felt like being able to breath properly again.</p><p>The sun was already low at the horizon, even though it would still be a few hours until it would set. Lew had put on his sunglasses for the drive and enjoyed how the colours shifted because of that. Everything looked a little bit warmer and the sharp edges of the buildings seemed to be smoother.</p><p>He knew he shouldn’t actually be driving with the amount of whisky he had drunk already, but if he was honest with himself, he couldn’t care less. If he only drove while being sober he would never steer a car, so Lew just shrugged these thoughts off and accelerated.</p><p>Lew had so many thoughts in his mind when he had gotten into his car, but now, after driving for almost three hours and coming closer to his destination, his head was pleasantly empty. He had watched the skyscrapers turn into houses, into trees, into farmland. Only a few houses and barns were built in this area and Lew felt almost lonesome driving past corn and grain fields or meadows of cattle and horses.</p><p>The golden hour was almost over and the sun was bright red, hovering only inches above the horizon, when Lew finally arrived at the little wooden farm that Dick had bought just a few months ago. He told him about it in one of his letters and wrote down not only the address, but also included a little location plan. Lew had felt a little bit taunted by it, even though Dick probably had meant it well, but he, as a former intelligence officer was able to find the way without a self-made map, thank you very much.</p><p>Lew sighed, still sitting in his car and staring at the entrance door of the house, pondering whether it was stupid or not to simply turn around and drive home. <em> No, </em> he scolded himself immediately after having that thought, <em> I’m not gonna chicken out</em>. </p><p>He turned off the engine and left the car, the bad thoughts and his fears rising inside of him while he walked to the porch. God, how bad he wanted a drink right now. His flask was in his duffle bag to keep him off the temptation and he missed the familiar weight in his shirt pocket painfully.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Lew sighed deeply when he climbed the stairs at the porch and he felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest while his stomach turned. Before he knocked at the door, Lew straightened his shirt and combed with his fingers through his hair. It was useless, but at least it gave him another two or three seconds to calm his nerves.</p><p>Another sigh. </p><p>Another deep breath. </p><p>Then, Lew raised his hand and knocked three times at the wooden door. </p><p>For awfully long moments nothing happened and Lew almost feared Dick wasn’t home, but then he could hear footsteps approaching.</p><p>When the door opened, Lew froze. Dick looked at him, eyes wide in surprise, mouth slightly agape, as if he couldn’t really believe what he saw, but then a crooked smile formed on his lips.</p><p>“Nix,” he said softly, stepping outside and suddenly, they were close and Lew’s mouth was dry.</p><p>Dick still looked as handsome as he remembered, maybe even better. His usual pale, almost milky skin was very slightly tanned, his freckles standing out notably. The red hair was glossy and soft and Lew had to contain himself from reaching out to touch it. Dick’s blue eyes were as beautiful and piercing as always and Lew wondered how he had been able to live so long without seeing him every day.</p><p>“Hello,” Lew croaked, lifting his arm to wave or to shake Dick’s hand or to even hug him, but he stopped half-way, not knowing what to do. They stared at each other in silence, nobody being able to express their thoughts in an eloquent way.</p><p>“I didn’t think you’d ever come,” Dick said almost inaudibly after a while, voice full of disbelief and long suppressed pain.</p><p>Lew’s stomach tightened. He felt ill when he thought about himself being the cause of Dick’s worries and he realised, again, he should have never pushed him away. </p><p>“Well, seems like miracles do happen,” Lew answered weakly, offering a smile which Dick returned, but only half-heartedly. The tension in the air was almost palpable and Lew fidgeted anxiously from one foot to the other, before finding his voice again.</p><p>“Dick. Look. I… Fuck, I’m so sorry. I don’t even know where to start. I should’ve answered your letters. I read every one of them and couldn’t think of a single word to write because all I had in mind was how much I had fucked things up. I should’ve never pushed you away. I should have never made a decision for both of us and not let you say something on your behalf. And the worst thing is, now I know all of this and I cannot make things undone. I am so sorry, Dick. I was an idiot. And I cannot even expect you to accept my apology or to forgive me, but… Oh God, Dick, I really wished you would.”</p><p>Lew stared at the floorboard of the porch and tried counting the nails he could see, to stop his mind from racing while Dick remained silent. The words had slipped from his lips and Lew hadn’t been able to stop them. Though he was glad he had said his apology, he was also afraid of Dick’s reaction.</p><p>When he felt a hand on his shoulder, Lew looked up in surprise. Dick smiled softly at him, a warm and yet wistful expression on his face. “Lew. Oh, Lew, I forgive you, how could I not. It’s alright. It’s okay. I’m just… I’m so glad you’re here. I feared I’d never see you again.”</p><p>“Oh God, Dick. I missed you,” Lew said, his voice unsteady. “I missed you so much, it was almost unbearable.”</p><p>“I missed you, too, Nix,” Dick answered plainly, before pulling Lew into a crushing embrace. They hold onto each other like a drowning man clutches at a straw, Lew clenching Dick’s shirt and trying to pull him even closer. He smelled good, like hay and soil and a warm summer breeze and just <em> Dick </em> and if Lew shed a tear out of pure relief, nobody ought to know.</p><p>“Lew,” Dick whispered into his ear, “if you don’t mind, I’d really love to kiss you right now.”</p><p>“You have no idea how much I don’t mind,” Lew said with a snicker and tilted his head. When Dick’s lips met his, Lew sighed contentedly and kissed back, open-mouthed and eager, wanting to make up for all the lost time. Dick’s lips were softer and warmer than Lew remembered, but it was a welcome change. Lew put his hand into the nape of Dick’s neck, his thumb and forefinger buried in his soft ginger hair, to keep him as close as it was possible.</p><p>Dick’s tongue moved against his own, hot and wet but also slowly and tentatively, taking all the time in the world to rediscover what had seemed to be lost for so long. Lew was losing himself in the moment, gloried in it, and he wondered how he made it through the last one and a half years without having <em> this</em>.</p><p>When they parted, both breathless and giddy with joy, their foreheads leaned against each other, Lew carefully ran his thumb over Dick’s cheek, tracing his freckles that were more prominent than ever.</p><p>“What now?”, Lew whispered, his mind comfortingly empty and his body relaxed in a way he hadn’t experienced for too many years.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Dick replied, a soft smile playing about his lips, “but I heard Chicago is worth a visit.”</p><p>Lew snorted in amusement. “Going my way?” he asked playfully and grinned at Dick.</p><p>Dick smiled broadly. “Always.”</p><p>“Then come on,” Lew murmured, nodding towards his car, “hop in and I’ll drive us to Chicago.”</p><p>“I’d love that.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Go check out all the other works written for the Serverversary! You can find them in our Collection!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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